tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41919671434682046312024-03-13T22:29:17.250-07:00of cloudless climes and starry skiesChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.comBlogger53125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-63703654297636104882010-11-10T18:21:00.000-08:002010-11-10T18:39:00.374-08:00rawtoday i was thinking about God. <br />i was reading one of the psalms, and boy it's an angry one.<br />sometimes the psalms have a lot of hurt and a lot of pain, and a lot of times it surprises me. a lot of times the words in the psalms carry my joyful heart when i just can't find my own words. but sometimes they also hold the painful words too. <br />often when i'm reading an angry psalm i expect it to resolve itself at the end.<br />'really david, you can't just yell at God like that', i think. <br />surely at the end of this rant there will be a beautiful verse about how great the Lord is and how david has gotten out of whatever slump he's in and all is well with the world again. <br />but you know, sometimes that doesn't happen. sometimes it's just a cry for help.<br />sometimes there is no end in sight. sometimes, the yelling and the hurt and the fear isn't an act of anger but an act of childlike faith.<br />isn't that what i do when i'm in trouble? don't i go running to my dad and tell him what's wrong? don't i seek a listening soul who will hear my troubles and will comfort me? don't i need those soothing words? <br />why is it that i always think God doesn't want this part of me?<br />maybe He does. <br />maybe His knowledge of my heart and soul and self is bigger than my own high regard for me. He knows i'm not always going to have things together.<br />this doesn't need to be another place where i hide from You.<br />make my heart bare.ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-43581045622312843542010-10-19T16:17:00.000-07:002010-10-20T17:56:07.954-07:00giveGod is telling you this:<br /><br />give me all.<br />i don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: i want YOU.<br />i have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. no half-measure are any good, i don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, i want to have the whole tree down. i don't want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked--the whole outfit. <br />i will give you a new self instead. <br />in fact i will give you Myself: My own Will shall become yours.<br /><br />[cs lewis]ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-4426704235762045202010-10-05T22:31:00.000-07:002010-10-05T22:52:00.974-07:00rosei do not fear trials sent by jesus, for even in the most bitter suffering we can see that it is His loving hand which causes it.<br /><br />when we are expecting nothing but suffering, we are quite surprised at the least joy; but then suffering itself becomes the greatest of joys when we seek it as a precious treasure.<br /><br />far from resembling those beautiful saints who practiced all sorts of austerities from childhood, my penance consisted in breaking my self-will, in keeping back a sharp reply, in doing little kindnesses to those about me, but considering these deeds as nothing.<br /><br />[st therese]ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-19138995940371654892010-10-03T13:04:00.000-07:002010-10-03T13:08:00.816-07:00wonder-fuli thank You God for most this amazing day: <br />for the leaping greenly spirits of trees<br />and a blue true dream of sky<br />and for everything<br />which is natural which is infinite which is yes<br /><br />i who have died am alive again today,<br />and this is the sun's birthday; <br />this is the birthday of life and love and wings:<br />and of the gay great happening illimitably earth<br /><br />how should tasting touching hearing seeing<br />breathing any-- lifted from the no<br />of all nothing-- human merely being<br />doubt unimaginable You?<br /><br />now the ears of my ears awake and<br />now the eyes of my eyes are opened<br /><br />[e.e. cummings]ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-35164345397774242112010-10-03T13:01:00.000-07:002010-10-03T13:04:41.676-07:00higheri figure we could complain about the situation<br />because sometimes it really is difficult<br />or we could offer it up<br />and become saints faster<br />and here, joy in suffering<br />is the greater beautyChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-51852352951003573402010-09-25T18:28:00.000-07:002010-09-26T13:45:23.079-07:00secret heartthis afternoon was spent in solitude. <br />in my time of resting i discovered the strangest thing once again. <br />the desire to create. this time, not with words or paper or colors, but with flour and vegetables and milk and eggs and all those wonderful things that you can mix together to make something delicious. <br />as a budding young girl, the kitchen never was my forte. everything i tried almost always failed, and everything i wanted to do my mom could still do better. she was (and still is) my food idol. she can make anything and it always tastes good. but it wasn't even just about the food, it was about what she created for us. for her family. she was nourishing us with her love, her care, her gifts. i want to do that. i feel like i attach the same kind of significance to my own culinary creations. when i make something, it is to nourish. <br />it's amazing (and you'd be surprised) how one person can pour a lot of their soul into one pot of soup or one batch of cinnamon buns. <br />it's funny too, when i get an idea in my head i just have to create that very thing. and i'll be mighty distracted with it until it comes to life. today it was cream of potato soup and buns (my mom's recipe). <br />when i was baking the buns, i realized i forgot to put the eggs in. i hurriedly folded them into my dough, cringing. fahlman, you have to pay attention more. typical. <br />but, not losing heart after my bun disaster, i decided to try the soup. with no recipe but a lot of ideas whirling around in my little brain, i set to work. <br />now, a couple hours and a few setbacks later, i am savoring my creations. fresh buns (not as fluffy as i would have liked) and warm, creamy, chunky potato bacon soup. i created these things. and there really is no feeling like it. <br />i must admit that i wish there was someone here. this great moment needs to be shared. i want to feed someone. but i suppose it's just as sweet knowing that i CAN do this. it has moved from the realm of great possibilities to a satisfying reality. perhaps one day, like my mama, i can nourish and love people through this creating.ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-64386278251080562682010-09-25T00:33:00.001-07:002010-09-25T00:35:08.652-07:00strong lovei look out the window<br />the birds are composing<br />not a note is out of tune or out of place<br />i walk to the window and stare at the flowers<br />better dressed than any girl on her wedding day<br />why do i worry?<br />why do i freak out?<br />god knows what i need<br />you know what i need<br /><br />[jon foreman]ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-90860085350394820292010-09-15T20:08:00.000-07:002010-09-15T20:11:56.344-07:00transittoday i saw so many souls.<br />people lost in their thoughts; people lost.<br />give me your eyes for just one second. can i see what you see?<br />what would they look like if they knew you?<br />do i look any different?ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-43808999125801347032010-09-14T23:36:00.001-07:002010-09-20T13:00:04.873-07:00outside-injesus, you're here aren't you?<br />something big is happening.ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-5756214964897108412010-09-12T00:16:00.000-07:002010-09-12T00:43:32.199-07:00seniorso. thoughts. <br />even though the school of education has a 5 year program, i have begun cutting my ties with this university as I begin my fourth and senior year. <br />but believe-you-me, it is not an easy thing. i love being here. i love the people here, i love praise chapel on fridays, i love mass at the cottage, and mom hugs from diane. i like the dorms and apartments and even the cafeteria. i love the profs and the pond and the smell of the library. i love the banana challenge, rob rhea, and those banner things that tell us what the theme for the year is. i love the classes, the discussions, and even the papers because they help me grow. i know stuff not just in my brain but in my soul. i love this school. <br />it's weird walking to class and thinking "this may be the last time i will see this prof" or "this is the last time i will buy textbooks in september". it is crazy going to mattson and thinking "there are a limited number of months left in which you can take my money", or walking through campus on o-day, wondering to myself "was it just four years ago that i was shaking in my boots, clutching on to my RA, trying to figure out where i was supposed to be"? <br />there are a few things i'll be grateful to be done with, of course; packing for one. do you know how difficult it is to put everything into a minuscule amount of boxes, shove them into a small storage area, and then leave all of your belongings whilst you fly to another province? i nearly have anxiety attacks all summer wondering if some eager student is going to get to the storage room before me in the fall, see all my great stuff, and decide that although it is profusely labelled with my name, various items from my boxes would be much better in their possession than mine?? i'm sure that's happened...at some point...most likely. <br />anyway, i'm just sitting here reminiscing and dreaming and thinking and wondering. and i know school has barely started and i've had a grand total of one class as a senior student, but good heavens people. this is my last year of college (almost) and i'm 23 years old (almost) and there are so many wonderful and terrifying things around each and every corner of this year and the next year and the next year and the next year. there will be a lot of sad goodbyes but probably some really joyful hellos too. oh fourth year, you came sooner than i was anticipating.<br />anyway. it's past my bedtime and sheesh i'm a senior. <br />goodnight.ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-58753796182855999792010-09-07T23:09:00.000-07:002010-09-07T23:57:14.296-07:00lucka great deal of things have led up to this moment. some may call it fate i suppose. i'm not sure what it is, but i'm going to tell you about it. <br />recently, b-rad and i have been talking about living in the moment, being grateful for the present time, and not always wishing that something else were happening at some other time. we've also been discussing the freedom of detatchment from material things. it's all a part of not worrying about tomorrow, kind of like the sparrows that luke talks about in his gospel. now is the time. and so, this is the beginning of my story, but strangely also the ending. <br />but not yet. there's more. i recently had the pleasure of spending time with a delightful irishman. this led my roommate and i to explore our skills of using the irish dialect in our own home. last night we talked irish and played cribbage and laughed in irish, told irish jokes, and that night i dreamed in irish and in the morning my thoughts were irish too. <br />today, as i was reclining on our new furniture, my cellphone fell into my cup of tea. in spite of my quick hands and frantic prayers, it had refused to show a spark of life. <br />what does this all have to do with anything?<br />i was hoping you'd ask. <br />first of all, though i no longer have as immediate of a connection with the outside world through my telephone, i am not nearly as worried about it as i imagined myself to be. see paragraph 1: detachment and living in the moment. <br />second, our irish friend has a penchant for reminding us that the birds of the air neither reap nor sow, but God is taking care of them. point taken. see paragraph 1 again. <br />third, everything does seem a bit brighter and more cheerful when it is done in irish. give it a whirl and you'll see what I mean. <br />all this to say, if your cellphone dies, it's not the end of the world. <br />and, remember the birds and that worrying doesn't add a second to your life span. and then say it over again in an irish accent and see if it doesn't make you feel better.ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-67248270971626658202010-08-28T13:04:00.000-07:002010-08-28T13:10:20.798-07:00twenty-eightafter a long beautiful summer, i am back. well, going back today. in approximately 20 minutes i will board my plane from calgary and will be back at my other-home. there is a lot to take in at this time of year. whew, so many ponderings. but before i begin, augustine must speak. he is much more profound. this summarizes my heart as of now anyway. <br />lord, captivate my soul.<br /><br /><br />"i came to love you late, o beauty so ancient and new;<br />i came to love you late.<br />you were within me and i was outside where i rushed about wildly searching for you like some monster loose in your beautiful world.<br />you were with me, but i was not with you. <br />you called me, you shouted to me. <br />you broke past my deafness.<br />you bathed me in your light, you wrapped me in your spleandor, you sent my blindness reeling.<br />you gave out such a delightful fragrance, and i drew it in and came breathing hard after you. <br />i tasted, and it made me hunger and thirst.<br />you touched me, and i burned to know your peace."<br />[st.augustine]ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-5274230363386597482010-07-11T23:23:00.000-07:002010-07-11T23:24:50.371-07:00balmlet us fall into the hands of the Lord<br />but not the hands of men<br />for as his majesty is<br />so also is his mercy<br /><br />[sirach 2:18]ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-2252147141748736872010-07-06T23:16:00.000-07:002010-07-06T23:17:52.559-07:00prayerthese hands are yours<br />teach them to serve as you please<br />and i'll reach out<br />desperate to see <br />all the greatness of God <br />may my soul rest assured<br />in you<br /><br />[hillsong]ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-79001248077743095232010-06-29T21:20:00.000-07:002010-06-29T21:21:19.071-07:00butterfliestomorrow is wednesday.ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-75994282487097233842010-06-24T21:18:00.000-07:002010-06-24T21:28:08.968-07:00recapthere are a few things i would just like to point out.<br />one) joe zambon in real life is just as amazing as joe zambon in cd. his show was awesome. of course including the talented women i know who captured us with the beauty and soul of their own music. oh, how sweet it is! <br />two) friends warm my heart. even after being away for an entire year, i can come back and have solid heartfelt conversations with people i love. what a gift. charlie, that includes you. you are a wonderful, wonderful woman.<br />three) happy birthday bosom buddy. look at you! this is quite the day, all things considering. *wink*<br />four) i'm house-sitting. it's kind of nice, the quiet is supposed to be helping me write my paper and finish this darn class once and for all...but i guess i can always find distractions.<br />five) there are now only 6 more days until wednesday. and wednesday will be a very very good day.<br />six) i'm supposed to be writing a paper right now. i guess old habits die hard.ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-5512296193833482832010-06-16T23:21:00.000-07:002010-06-16T23:46:43.400-07:00junemy brain is everywhere sometimes. just floating around, observing things from the outside looking in. sometimes sleepy. sometimes over-thinking. sometimes wanting to hold tightly to everything around me. sometimes pondering. sometimes peaceful, giddy, excited, loving, living. sometimes worrying, fixing, problem solving, needing to find a solution. and sometimes, thinking back on what's happened days and weeks and months and years before now and finally getting it. finally understanding why, finally having an answer, finally learning. <br />when that happens it's like all the mist clears away and the sun comes out. and then i need to write it down before i forget. i sometimes wonder if God wired me this way, and why. or maybe i'm just a little bit crazy. it seems tiring sometimes. but i know i need to let myself jump into God's arms and rest there. he would be like my anchor. i need that. to abide in him.<br /><br />oh june, i want to enjoy your moments. there is a very handsome wonderful wildly amazing so-and-so who is coming to visit at the end of these two weeks. but i have to remind myself not to just float on by the waiting. there is much to reap.ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-45459045220919926742010-06-05T01:09:00.000-07:002010-06-05T01:11:15.254-07:00growingillum oportet crescere me autem minui<br /><br />[john 3:30]ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-41395861071641458302010-06-03T17:59:00.000-07:002010-06-03T18:00:58.561-07:00west coasti am craving sushi like none other.ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-36343721246243350152010-05-22T15:13:00.001-07:002010-05-22T15:16:25.421-07:00ode to years pastthe lights are dim<br />winter is cold and damp<br />but life grows there<br />quietly seeking <br />the warmth of the sun<br /><br />spring smiles<br />breath quickens<br />anticipation grows stronger<br />the pendulum<br />swinging<br />time will tell<br /><br />wait<br />a whisper moves<br />upwards<br /><br />the night is warm<br />summer sits<br />soaking<br />dwelling<br />loving<br />a heart is unsure<br /><br />autumn brings<br />a sudden gust of<br />unknownChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-46874766790077039242010-05-14T00:12:00.000-07:002010-05-14T00:14:47.231-07:00wish for bridgessqueeze my hand, take the fright<br />wrap it up, give it to the night<br />and tell me stories of our glory days<br />shed the shy on this waterway<br /><br />but i can't speak, i can't retreat<br />i'm here right now, and i know you know<br />you know how nice it was<br />here right now, we can't forget<br />no we can't forget how good it was<br /><br />there's my boat ride to the other side<br />wish there was a bridge so we could walk it all night<br /><br />[brooke waggoner]ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-34952426053215897122010-05-13T23:11:00.001-07:002010-05-13T23:48:34.440-07:00midnight hourthere is something wonderful and haunting about dim lights and darkness. the hum of the refrigerator and the otherwise silence of a sleeping house. <br />i am awake. <br />unwinding<br />questions, elusive answers<br />wait, beautiful humility<br />adequate, or one-of-a-kind?<br />time, miles and miles<br />affection, unimaginable<br />hidden, thoughts that haunt<br />to ponder, the cost of a stand<br />joy, secret dreams<br />tomorrow, changing lives<br />love, such a mystery<br />rest, in old-school carpenter arms<br />peace, as you give<br /><br />around and aroundChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-34496468898902875342010-05-12T12:30:00.000-07:002010-10-06T16:03:18.421-07:00onionsmy dad complimented me yesterday on my onion cutting skills. he said i looked like a pro. <br />joy of joys! a pro! <br />first of all, this goes to show what a nice sharp knife can do for those who are trying to cook well. it goes a long way. dull knives are extremely annoying.<br />second, this goes to show that his affirmation also went a long way. i think affirmation is my love language.<br />and third, thanks food network. i saw, i learned, i conquered.<br />oh the joys of the ordinary life.ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-687199820392426262010-05-04T16:14:00.000-07:002010-05-04T16:18:25.164-07:00petitionlord: i know not what i ought to ask of you, you only know what i need. you love me better than i know how to love myself. oh god! give to your child that which i myself know not how to ask. i dare not ask for either crosses or consolations: i simply present myself before you-- i open my heart to you. behold my needs which i know not myself; see and do according to your tender mercy. smite or heal, depress me or raise me up: i adore all your purposes without knowing them. i am silent; i offer myself in sacrifice. i yield myself to you. i would have no other desire than to accomplish your will. teach me to pray. pray yourself in me.ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191967143468204631.post-41542721735569215352010-05-04T16:05:00.000-07:002010-05-04T16:19:32.167-07:00upsides?the weather outside reflects my mood. dreary. weary. <br />my summer class is going to be terrible. why did i ever think this would be a good idea? i guess it's a good thing i don't have a job yet, otherwise i would be swamped.<br />job hunting is terrible. what do these employers want from me? i visit, smile, dress up, phone, email, write cover letters and resumes and fill out applications, talk myself up, but not too much, listen, smile more, and phone more. i have spent hours looking at the latest job posts. and, nothing. they just don't want me. talk about a downer on self-esteem. sheesh.<br />also, this long distance thing has the potential to be terrible. but i won't let it. no way. people do it all the time. yep, it's still tough. (it's only been a week, and oh my little heart!) but we won't give up. we can do this.<br />did i mention it's snowing?ChristinaBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08975356370716577044noreply@blogger.com0