prodigal

ezekiel 18: 21-28 goes something like this:
if sinners turn away from their sin, they will live. none of their sins will be remembered, they will be forgiven. it is the desire of God's heart that the wicked turn from wickedness. but what happens when the righteous turn from righteousness? they will suffer the consequences of their sin.
and yet i yell GOD YOU ARE SO UNFAIR!
but is He really? was it not me that left him?
i often act like a child, folding my arms across my chest, lip out, brow furrowed, feet stomping. not fair! not fair! you promised! sometimes it's fun to kick and scream and try to get my own way. after the tantrum is over, there i sit. silly.
can i not see how He loves me? he lets me choose him. and not choose him. it isn't that he isn't speaking to me, it's that i'm not listening. it's not that he doesn't love me, i just don't want to acknowledge it. it's not that he doesn't have a path for me, it's just that i want to go my own way.
and then i remember that being childlike means trusting. i want to come back.
father, you know what you're doing. i'm sorry for thinking you'd forgotten about me. really, you love me.