mountain-less

enter: foaming grande hazelnut latte (no whip this time. i said "with whip" three times but the barista didn't hear me so i took it as a sign that i should cut back on my intake of sugar.)
i am at the calgary international airport, and there is a grand snowstorm outside. if it wasn't april i would be thrilled. i like snow. but today, it makes things feel wrong. it feels like i'm coming home for christmas, not summer break.
so now the school year is over. i spent the last few days trying to pack my life into some boxes to store away until autumn returns. figuratively and literally. it's always tough.
it is a good thing, i think, that i'm ocd sometimes and prepare things ahead of time. in this case, it is packing. this afternoon i had everything ready to go for my flight home when i heard that my flight was canceled due to said snowstorm and that i had to leave in half an hour to catch the last flight out of bc. sheesh! panic. the thought of frantically running out the door with hurried goodbyes and tears and oh no! i didn't have lunch, and oh no! tia's not back! and oh no! i will only have half a second to say goodbye to brad, and ugh! this is not going well...
but, i am here in calgary so there must be a happy ending to this story.
well, kind of. i found a flight out of vancouver. i didn't get to say farewell to tgc. but i did spend some quality time at yvr with b-rad before dashing off toward the next four months on the prairies without him.
i am excited to go back. but it is bittersweet at the same time.
now, i am waiting for my flight (leaves in half an hour), and people-watching (there is a tanned man to my right, wearing a shirt almost the same color as his skin), and snow-watching (still feels like christmas), and hoping that my family will like my new TOMS (because i think they're rad).
peace.

vision

i am sitting in a coffeeshop with randall, sipping a foaming grande hazelnut latte (with whip), feverishly writing my take-home final. it's exam time. it does not seem right that there is a young man and woman just outside the window. there they sit, basking in the afternoon sun under the shade of a blossoming cherry tree, smiling lovingly at each other as they sip their drinks. what i wouldn't give for a taste of that freedom.
t minus 2 days.

bold

the church does not need a bunch of wimps.
where is my courage? where is my strength?
"and so they left the presence of the sanhedrin, glad to have had the honour of suffering humiliation for the sake of the name." (acts 5:41)

voi che sapete

you ladies, who know what love is,
see if i have it in my heart.
what i feel, i'll repeat to you.
it's new for me; i can't understand it.
i feel an emotion full of desire
which is now pleasure, now torture.
i freeze, and then i feel my soul
bursting into flames;
and in a moment i freeze again.
i'm seeking a treasure outside of me--
i don't know who holds it;
i don't know what it is.
i sigh and moan without wanting to;
i quiver and tremble without knowing why
i find peace neither night nor day,
but yet i enjoy languishing that way...
[lorenzo da ponte]

wisdom

want to hear some wisdom?
learn waste time with God.
waste time with Him.
sit with Him.
tell Him a joke.
when you do this, no matter what airplane you're on
as you fly on your great and grand schemes of life,
you are happy to waste time with God.
and the flight doesn't seem so long.
and if the plane starts to tremble,
then you can hang on for dear life
to the One you're spending time with.
and if it goes plunk right down into the sea
then you can actually blame the Person who did that.
learn to take God seriously.
then you don't have to take yourself so seriously.
especially at exam time.
[dr. h]

stop and go

the problem is, i have to go through all of this doing nothing in order to reach the goal of doing something. the longer i take at procrastinating doing that one thing, the longer it'll take in the long run. i get discouraged when i just sit here doing nothing, but really it's alright because in this time of doing nothing, i've still started doing what i set out to do. starting to start is half the battle. i just need to actually finish starting. i could be not starting, and in reality, not get anything done at all. so sitting here starting to start is actually getting something done (contrary to how it feels at the moment). once the wave crashes (or time runs out), what needs to be done will get done and all this sitting here will not be in vain.

it'll be a day like this one

sheesh, i just don't know. that's stressful.

drum beats

it's so close i can almost brush my hands against it. bittersweet end.
once these 3000 words have been written, point argued, pages printed, laptop closed, books returned, body rested-- i will breathe a sigh of relief.
then, little by little the life i have built around me this year must be packed away. box by box. shoved into a closet until i return again in september. one by one, each picture removed, each memory relived, each receipt thrown out, each sweater folded, every dust bunny chased away, and every textbook that i didn't read regretfully sold back to the bookstore for much less than i bought it.
then, the goodbyes. some are for good this year, lots of friends are graduating. what seemed like forever is now quite transient. i can almost see the end. hmmm...
and those daffodils i picked last week are wilted on my windowsill. time just marches on.

yes, but it's alright. sad goodbyes are reflections of the joy shared. there are last moments, but there are also parties, surprises, nice weather, concerts, baby showers, congratulations, celebrations, smiles, laughter, peace. dinners. dates. late night chats. and final exams, but even those are really ok.
time marches on, but not without picking up some pretty sweet things along the way. just saying.

triumph

the world mourned Your death, and now it shouts from the rooftops at your resurrection. and now, grace. life is crystal clear and washed clean and somehow fresh and new this easter monday.
the boys left for home this morning. i have not felt so loved as when i saw them four days ago in the lobby downstairs after driving 20 hours to come see me. i have not laughed so much in a long long time-- just doing dumb things that siblings do. i have not felt so blessed as i do now, to have the best friends in them that i have.
amidst all the stress and chaos of the end of the semester-- ah! a weekend of peace, love, rest. and joy. such joy.
praise God from whom all blessings flow
praise him all creatures here below
praise him above you heavenly host
praise father, son, and holy ghost.
can i hear an amen?

stations

i am no longer a bystander, living in the normalcy of day to day life. i am there. with each blow, my heart flinches. every crack of the whip sends tremors through my frame. i just want them to stop and every time i think it's over, they keep going. you stand up again. in every drop of blood. why do you do this? for me?
why can't i stop them? my love! my love! is this my fault? stop whipping him! he doesn't deserve this. it would have been unbearable enough for you to die the horrible death. but they beat you. they spit on you. they hit you and laugh at you and scoff. they keep whipping you, mercilessly. with every step, through the streets and up the hill. never ending blows.
stop. stop hurting him.
my heart is fresh with guilt, with tears, with pain. i hurt you with pride. with laziness. with gossip. with jealousy. with fear. with omissions. sometimes i wash my hands of you. sometimes i deny you. sometimes i turn my back and forget you. sometimes i provoke you. sometimes i do not believe that what you are doing is what is best.
and i weep, i weep for my sin.
my love, forgive me.