raw

today i was thinking about God.
i was reading one of the psalms, and boy it's an angry one.
sometimes the psalms have a lot of hurt and a lot of pain, and a lot of times it surprises me. a lot of times the words in the psalms carry my joyful heart when i just can't find my own words. but sometimes they also hold the painful words too.
often when i'm reading an angry psalm i expect it to resolve itself at the end.
'really david, you can't just yell at God like that', i think.
surely at the end of this rant there will be a beautiful verse about how great the Lord is and how david has gotten out of whatever slump he's in and all is well with the world again.
but you know, sometimes that doesn't happen. sometimes it's just a cry for help.
sometimes there is no end in sight. sometimes, the yelling and the hurt and the fear isn't an act of anger but an act of childlike faith.
isn't that what i do when i'm in trouble? don't i go running to my dad and tell him what's wrong? don't i seek a listening soul who will hear my troubles and will comfort me? don't i need those soothing words?
why is it that i always think God doesn't want this part of me?
maybe He does.
maybe His knowledge of my heart and soul and self is bigger than my own high regard for me. He knows i'm not always going to have things together.
this doesn't need to be another place where i hide from You.
make my heart bare.

give

God is telling you this:

give me all.
i don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: i want YOU.
i have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. no half-measure are any good, i don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, i want to have the whole tree down. i don't want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked--the whole outfit.
i will give you a new self instead.
in fact i will give you Myself: My own Will shall become yours.

[cs lewis]

rose

i do not fear trials sent by jesus, for even in the most bitter suffering we can see that it is His loving hand which causes it.

when we are expecting nothing but suffering, we are quite surprised at the least joy; but then suffering itself becomes the greatest of joys when we seek it as a precious treasure.

far from resembling those beautiful saints who practiced all sorts of austerities from childhood, my penance consisted in breaking my self-will, in keeping back a sharp reply, in doing little kindnesses to those about me, but considering these deeds as nothing.

[st therese]

wonder-ful

i thank You God for most this amazing day:
for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky
and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;
this is the birthday of life and love and wings:
and of the gay great happening illimitably earth

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-- lifted from the no
of all nothing-- human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened

[e.e. cummings]

higher

i figure we could complain about the situation
because sometimes it really is difficult
or we could offer it up
and become saints faster
and here, joy in suffering
is the greater beauty

secret heart

this afternoon was spent in solitude.
in my time of resting i discovered the strangest thing once again.
the desire to create. this time, not with words or paper or colors, but with flour and vegetables and milk and eggs and all those wonderful things that you can mix together to make something delicious.
as a budding young girl, the kitchen never was my forte. everything i tried almost always failed, and everything i wanted to do my mom could still do better. she was (and still is) my food idol. she can make anything and it always tastes good. but it wasn't even just about the food, it was about what she created for us. for her family. she was nourishing us with her love, her care, her gifts. i want to do that. i feel like i attach the same kind of significance to my own culinary creations. when i make something, it is to nourish.
it's amazing (and you'd be surprised) how one person can pour a lot of their soul into one pot of soup or one batch of cinnamon buns.
it's funny too, when i get an idea in my head i just have to create that very thing. and i'll be mighty distracted with it until it comes to life. today it was cream of potato soup and buns (my mom's recipe).
when i was baking the buns, i realized i forgot to put the eggs in. i hurriedly folded them into my dough, cringing. fahlman, you have to pay attention more. typical.
but, not losing heart after my bun disaster, i decided to try the soup. with no recipe but a lot of ideas whirling around in my little brain, i set to work.
now, a couple hours and a few setbacks later, i am savoring my creations. fresh buns (not as fluffy as i would have liked) and warm, creamy, chunky potato bacon soup. i created these things. and there really is no feeling like it.
i must admit that i wish there was someone here. this great moment needs to be shared. i want to feed someone. but i suppose it's just as sweet knowing that i CAN do this. it has moved from the realm of great possibilities to a satisfying reality. perhaps one day, like my mama, i can nourish and love people through this creating.

strong love

i look out the window
the birds are composing
not a note is out of tune or out of place
i walk to the window and stare at the flowers
better dressed than any girl on her wedding day
why do i worry?
why do i freak out?
god knows what i need
you know what i need

[jon foreman]

transit

today i saw so many souls.
people lost in their thoughts; people lost.
give me your eyes for just one second. can i see what you see?
what would they look like if they knew you?
do i look any different?

outside-in

jesus, you're here aren't you?
something big is happening.

senior

so. thoughts.
even though the school of education has a 5 year program, i have begun cutting my ties with this university as I begin my fourth and senior year.
but believe-you-me, it is not an easy thing. i love being here. i love the people here, i love praise chapel on fridays, i love mass at the cottage, and mom hugs from diane. i like the dorms and apartments and even the cafeteria. i love the profs and the pond and the smell of the library. i love the banana challenge, rob rhea, and those banner things that tell us what the theme for the year is. i love the classes, the discussions, and even the papers because they help me grow. i know stuff not just in my brain but in my soul. i love this school.
it's weird walking to class and thinking "this may be the last time i will see this prof" or "this is the last time i will buy textbooks in september". it is crazy going to mattson and thinking "there are a limited number of months left in which you can take my money", or walking through campus on o-day, wondering to myself "was it just four years ago that i was shaking in my boots, clutching on to my RA, trying to figure out where i was supposed to be"?
there are a few things i'll be grateful to be done with, of course; packing for one. do you know how difficult it is to put everything into a minuscule amount of boxes, shove them into a small storage area, and then leave all of your belongings whilst you fly to another province? i nearly have anxiety attacks all summer wondering if some eager student is going to get to the storage room before me in the fall, see all my great stuff, and decide that although it is profusely labelled with my name, various items from my boxes would be much better in their possession than mine?? i'm sure that's happened...at some point...most likely.
anyway, i'm just sitting here reminiscing and dreaming and thinking and wondering. and i know school has barely started and i've had a grand total of one class as a senior student, but good heavens people. this is my last year of college (almost) and i'm 23 years old (almost) and there are so many wonderful and terrifying things around each and every corner of this year and the next year and the next year and the next year. there will be a lot of sad goodbyes but probably some really joyful hellos too. oh fourth year, you came sooner than i was anticipating.
anyway. it's past my bedtime and sheesh i'm a senior.
goodnight.

luck

a great deal of things have led up to this moment. some may call it fate i suppose. i'm not sure what it is, but i'm going to tell you about it.
recently, b-rad and i have been talking about living in the moment, being grateful for the present time, and not always wishing that something else were happening at some other time. we've also been discussing the freedom of detatchment from material things. it's all a part of not worrying about tomorrow, kind of like the sparrows that luke talks about in his gospel. now is the time. and so, this is the beginning of my story, but strangely also the ending.
but not yet. there's more. i recently had the pleasure of spending time with a delightful irishman. this led my roommate and i to explore our skills of using the irish dialect in our own home. last night we talked irish and played cribbage and laughed in irish, told irish jokes, and that night i dreamed in irish and in the morning my thoughts were irish too.
today, as i was reclining on our new furniture, my cellphone fell into my cup of tea. in spite of my quick hands and frantic prayers, it had refused to show a spark of life.
what does this all have to do with anything?
i was hoping you'd ask.
first of all, though i no longer have as immediate of a connection with the outside world through my telephone, i am not nearly as worried about it as i imagined myself to be. see paragraph 1: detachment and living in the moment.
second, our irish friend has a penchant for reminding us that the birds of the air neither reap nor sow, but God is taking care of them. point taken. see paragraph 1 again.
third, everything does seem a bit brighter and more cheerful when it is done in irish. give it a whirl and you'll see what I mean.
all this to say, if your cellphone dies, it's not the end of the world.
and, remember the birds and that worrying doesn't add a second to your life span. and then say it over again in an irish accent and see if it doesn't make you feel better.

twenty-eight

after a long beautiful summer, i am back. well, going back today. in approximately 20 minutes i will board my plane from calgary and will be back at my other-home. there is a lot to take in at this time of year. whew, so many ponderings. but before i begin, augustine must speak. he is much more profound. this summarizes my heart as of now anyway.
lord, captivate my soul.


"i came to love you late, o beauty so ancient and new;
i came to love you late.
you were within me and i was outside where i rushed about wildly searching for you like some monster loose in your beautiful world.
you were with me, but i was not with you.
you called me, you shouted to me.
you broke past my deafness.
you bathed me in your light, you wrapped me in your spleandor, you sent my blindness reeling.
you gave out such a delightful fragrance, and i drew it in and came breathing hard after you.
i tasted, and it made me hunger and thirst.
you touched me, and i burned to know your peace."
[st.augustine]

balm

let us fall into the hands of the Lord
but not the hands of men
for as his majesty is
so also is his mercy

[sirach 2:18]

prayer

these hands are yours
teach them to serve as you please
and i'll reach out
desperate to see
all the greatness of God
may my soul rest assured
in you

[hillsong]

butterflies

tomorrow is wednesday.

recap

there are a few things i would just like to point out.
one) joe zambon in real life is just as amazing as joe zambon in cd. his show was awesome. of course including the talented women i know who captured us with the beauty and soul of their own music. oh, how sweet it is!
two) friends warm my heart. even after being away for an entire year, i can come back and have solid heartfelt conversations with people i love. what a gift. charlie, that includes you. you are a wonderful, wonderful woman.
three) happy birthday bosom buddy. look at you! this is quite the day, all things considering. *wink*
four) i'm house-sitting. it's kind of nice, the quiet is supposed to be helping me write my paper and finish this darn class once and for all...but i guess i can always find distractions.
five) there are now only 6 more days until wednesday. and wednesday will be a very very good day.
six) i'm supposed to be writing a paper right now. i guess old habits die hard.

june

my brain is everywhere sometimes. just floating around, observing things from the outside looking in. sometimes sleepy. sometimes over-thinking. sometimes wanting to hold tightly to everything around me. sometimes pondering. sometimes peaceful, giddy, excited, loving, living. sometimes worrying, fixing, problem solving, needing to find a solution. and sometimes, thinking back on what's happened days and weeks and months and years before now and finally getting it. finally understanding why, finally having an answer, finally learning.
when that happens it's like all the mist clears away and the sun comes out. and then i need to write it down before i forget. i sometimes wonder if God wired me this way, and why. or maybe i'm just a little bit crazy. it seems tiring sometimes. but i know i need to let myself jump into God's arms and rest there. he would be like my anchor. i need that. to abide in him.

oh june, i want to enjoy your moments. there is a very handsome wonderful wildly amazing so-and-so who is coming to visit at the end of these two weeks. but i have to remind myself not to just float on by the waiting. there is much to reap.

growing

illum oportet crescere me autem minui

[john 3:30]

west coast

i am craving sushi like none other.

ode to years past

the lights are dim
winter is cold and damp
but life grows there
quietly seeking
the warmth of the sun

spring smiles
breath quickens
anticipation grows stronger
the pendulum
swinging
time will tell

wait
a whisper moves
upwards

the night is warm
summer sits
soaking
dwelling
loving
a heart is unsure

autumn brings
a sudden gust of
unknown

wish for bridges

squeeze my hand, take the fright
wrap it up, give it to the night
and tell me stories of our glory days
shed the shy on this waterway

but i can't speak, i can't retreat
i'm here right now, and i know you know
you know how nice it was
here right now, we can't forget
no we can't forget how good it was

there's my boat ride to the other side
wish there was a bridge so we could walk it all night

[brooke waggoner]

midnight hour

there is something wonderful and haunting about dim lights and darkness. the hum of the refrigerator and the otherwise silence of a sleeping house.
i am awake.
unwinding
questions, elusive answers
wait, beautiful humility
adequate, or one-of-a-kind?
time, miles and miles
affection, unimaginable
hidden, thoughts that haunt
to ponder, the cost of a stand
joy, secret dreams
tomorrow, changing lives
love, such a mystery
rest, in old-school carpenter arms
peace, as you give

around and around

onions

my dad complimented me yesterday on my onion cutting skills. he said i looked like a pro.
joy of joys! a pro!
first of all, this goes to show what a nice sharp knife can do for those who are trying to cook well. it goes a long way. dull knives are extremely annoying.
second, this goes to show that his affirmation also went a long way. i think affirmation is my love language.
and third, thanks food network. i saw, i learned, i conquered.
oh the joys of the ordinary life.

petition

lord: i know not what i ought to ask of you, you only know what i need. you love me better than i know how to love myself. oh god! give to your child that which i myself know not how to ask. i dare not ask for either crosses or consolations: i simply present myself before you-- i open my heart to you. behold my needs which i know not myself; see and do according to your tender mercy. smite or heal, depress me or raise me up: i adore all your purposes without knowing them. i am silent; i offer myself in sacrifice. i yield myself to you. i would have no other desire than to accomplish your will. teach me to pray. pray yourself in me.

upsides?

the weather outside reflects my mood. dreary. weary.
my summer class is going to be terrible. why did i ever think this would be a good idea? i guess it's a good thing i don't have a job yet, otherwise i would be swamped.
job hunting is terrible. what do these employers want from me? i visit, smile, dress up, phone, email, write cover letters and resumes and fill out applications, talk myself up, but not too much, listen, smile more, and phone more. i have spent hours looking at the latest job posts. and, nothing. they just don't want me. talk about a downer on self-esteem. sheesh.
also, this long distance thing has the potential to be terrible. but i won't let it. no way. people do it all the time. yep, it's still tough. (it's only been a week, and oh my little heart!) but we won't give up. we can do this.
did i mention it's snowing?

mountain-less

enter: foaming grande hazelnut latte (no whip this time. i said "with whip" three times but the barista didn't hear me so i took it as a sign that i should cut back on my intake of sugar.)
i am at the calgary international airport, and there is a grand snowstorm outside. if it wasn't april i would be thrilled. i like snow. but today, it makes things feel wrong. it feels like i'm coming home for christmas, not summer break.
so now the school year is over. i spent the last few days trying to pack my life into some boxes to store away until autumn returns. figuratively and literally. it's always tough.
it is a good thing, i think, that i'm ocd sometimes and prepare things ahead of time. in this case, it is packing. this afternoon i had everything ready to go for my flight home when i heard that my flight was canceled due to said snowstorm and that i had to leave in half an hour to catch the last flight out of bc. sheesh! panic. the thought of frantically running out the door with hurried goodbyes and tears and oh no! i didn't have lunch, and oh no! tia's not back! and oh no! i will only have half a second to say goodbye to brad, and ugh! this is not going well...
but, i am here in calgary so there must be a happy ending to this story.
well, kind of. i found a flight out of vancouver. i didn't get to say farewell to tgc. but i did spend some quality time at yvr with b-rad before dashing off toward the next four months on the prairies without him.
i am excited to go back. but it is bittersweet at the same time.
now, i am waiting for my flight (leaves in half an hour), and people-watching (there is a tanned man to my right, wearing a shirt almost the same color as his skin), and snow-watching (still feels like christmas), and hoping that my family will like my new TOMS (because i think they're rad).
peace.

vision

i am sitting in a coffeeshop with randall, sipping a foaming grande hazelnut latte (with whip), feverishly writing my take-home final. it's exam time. it does not seem right that there is a young man and woman just outside the window. there they sit, basking in the afternoon sun under the shade of a blossoming cherry tree, smiling lovingly at each other as they sip their drinks. what i wouldn't give for a taste of that freedom.
t minus 2 days.

bold

the church does not need a bunch of wimps.
where is my courage? where is my strength?
"and so they left the presence of the sanhedrin, glad to have had the honour of suffering humiliation for the sake of the name." (acts 5:41)

voi che sapete

you ladies, who know what love is,
see if i have it in my heart.
what i feel, i'll repeat to you.
it's new for me; i can't understand it.
i feel an emotion full of desire
which is now pleasure, now torture.
i freeze, and then i feel my soul
bursting into flames;
and in a moment i freeze again.
i'm seeking a treasure outside of me--
i don't know who holds it;
i don't know what it is.
i sigh and moan without wanting to;
i quiver and tremble without knowing why
i find peace neither night nor day,
but yet i enjoy languishing that way...
[lorenzo da ponte]

wisdom

want to hear some wisdom?
learn waste time with God.
waste time with Him.
sit with Him.
tell Him a joke.
when you do this, no matter what airplane you're on
as you fly on your great and grand schemes of life,
you are happy to waste time with God.
and the flight doesn't seem so long.
and if the plane starts to tremble,
then you can hang on for dear life
to the One you're spending time with.
and if it goes plunk right down into the sea
then you can actually blame the Person who did that.
learn to take God seriously.
then you don't have to take yourself so seriously.
especially at exam time.
[dr. h]

stop and go

the problem is, i have to go through all of this doing nothing in order to reach the goal of doing something. the longer i take at procrastinating doing that one thing, the longer it'll take in the long run. i get discouraged when i just sit here doing nothing, but really it's alright because in this time of doing nothing, i've still started doing what i set out to do. starting to start is half the battle. i just need to actually finish starting. i could be not starting, and in reality, not get anything done at all. so sitting here starting to start is actually getting something done (contrary to how it feels at the moment). once the wave crashes (or time runs out), what needs to be done will get done and all this sitting here will not be in vain.

it'll be a day like this one

sheesh, i just don't know. that's stressful.

drum beats

it's so close i can almost brush my hands against it. bittersweet end.
once these 3000 words have been written, point argued, pages printed, laptop closed, books returned, body rested-- i will breathe a sigh of relief.
then, little by little the life i have built around me this year must be packed away. box by box. shoved into a closet until i return again in september. one by one, each picture removed, each memory relived, each receipt thrown out, each sweater folded, every dust bunny chased away, and every textbook that i didn't read regretfully sold back to the bookstore for much less than i bought it.
then, the goodbyes. some are for good this year, lots of friends are graduating. what seemed like forever is now quite transient. i can almost see the end. hmmm...
and those daffodils i picked last week are wilted on my windowsill. time just marches on.

yes, but it's alright. sad goodbyes are reflections of the joy shared. there are last moments, but there are also parties, surprises, nice weather, concerts, baby showers, congratulations, celebrations, smiles, laughter, peace. dinners. dates. late night chats. and final exams, but even those are really ok.
time marches on, but not without picking up some pretty sweet things along the way. just saying.

triumph

the world mourned Your death, and now it shouts from the rooftops at your resurrection. and now, grace. life is crystal clear and washed clean and somehow fresh and new this easter monday.
the boys left for home this morning. i have not felt so loved as when i saw them four days ago in the lobby downstairs after driving 20 hours to come see me. i have not laughed so much in a long long time-- just doing dumb things that siblings do. i have not felt so blessed as i do now, to have the best friends in them that i have.
amidst all the stress and chaos of the end of the semester-- ah! a weekend of peace, love, rest. and joy. such joy.
praise God from whom all blessings flow
praise him all creatures here below
praise him above you heavenly host
praise father, son, and holy ghost.
can i hear an amen?

stations

i am no longer a bystander, living in the normalcy of day to day life. i am there. with each blow, my heart flinches. every crack of the whip sends tremors through my frame. i just want them to stop and every time i think it's over, they keep going. you stand up again. in every drop of blood. why do you do this? for me?
why can't i stop them? my love! my love! is this my fault? stop whipping him! he doesn't deserve this. it would have been unbearable enough for you to die the horrible death. but they beat you. they spit on you. they hit you and laugh at you and scoff. they keep whipping you, mercilessly. with every step, through the streets and up the hill. never ending blows.
stop. stop hurting him.
my heart is fresh with guilt, with tears, with pain. i hurt you with pride. with laziness. with gossip. with jealousy. with fear. with omissions. sometimes i wash my hands of you. sometimes i deny you. sometimes i turn my back and forget you. sometimes i provoke you. sometimes i do not believe that what you are doing is what is best.
and i weep, i weep for my sin.
my love, forgive me.

pits and peaches

can i just say that wednesdays are quite possibly the worst and the best days of my semester?
also, i would like to note that the only time i blog is when i have a paper to write instead.
lastly, my family is coming to see me tomorrow. well, part of my family. and it just warms my little heart.
that's all.

1.2.3.4.

i find it encouraging to write lists of things that i am thankful for. it helps to take my mind off the fact that i need to be writing a paper and probably have some reading i could be doing for my next class.
at the moment i'm in the library. there is a freshman nodding off at the desk next to me (he's doing some sort of math homework, i don't blame him really). i am facing the pond and just watched a pretty duck land on the water. i'm comforted by the fact that time slows down once i enter the doors of this place. my work usually gets done, strangely enough. i'm also trying to decide if it is still raining-- for a moment the sun peeked through the clouds and showered campus with a wonderful glow. it's gone now though, and i'm beginning to think that perhaps it would be fun to become a hermit in the library until exams are over. but ah, i remember that i won a bet and my roommate is cooking dinner for me all week. i guess there's always next time. now, back to reality.

glorious

it is the end of the day.
i smell nice.
my meal turned out great.
i received money today.
i didn't get lost on the way home.
my paper is halfway done.
i made wind-socks with kindergarten kids.
it took me one try to open the door with the right key.
i started reading a book for fun.
i didn't fall asleep in my first class.
i didn't go to my second class.
i am drinking coffee with milk.
it is sunny.
i am going on a double date.
he brought me a flower.
so many very lovely things.

zzz

same old, same old. time doesn't stop just because i would rather do one thing when i know i should be doing something else. and yes, everything always gets done. but i would much rather have slept blissfully last night instead of frantically clicking away at my keyboard. i never learn.

trust

lord, i am satisfied.
lord, i am satisfied.
lord, i am satisfied.

opposite

two rejections in two days.
the first one stung, but i am intent on letting it roll off my shoulders. meh.
the second one was almost expected.
inwardly it's funny. outwardly it's disappointing.
but i'm convinced that i'm growing. two years ago those two rejections would have been more scarring i'm sure.
(right about now i'm wondering if i should say this, but)
lord, keep teaching me how to be humble.

postscript

yes.
life can be more beautiful.
it takes my breath away actually.
i'm stoked for what's to come...

family

just spent the morning bowling with my professors and my family-away-from-family.
can life be any more beautiful?

resting

i love babies. love. babies.
i especially love holding a baby, its warm little body snuggled in my arms, legs bent, hands tucked, lips puckered, eyelids drooping, nodding off to sleep. a fierce protectiveness stirs in me, i think because i realize just how helpless this little thing is. but it needs me. it's safe here, so it sleeps. i'm always amazed.
i think sometimes that i am a toddler in my Father's arms and all i ever do is kick and scream.
what does it take to quiet my soul?
most days i just want to crawl in Your lap and close my eyes and just rest there. to hear you sing to me. to leave my thoughts and worries somewhere else and just be still. with you. maybe i think you're too busy for me to bother you. maybe i think you won't take me back.
but, you see me from a long way off. and you run to me so you can embrace me. hug me. bear hug me.
no more fear.
your love compels.
quiet now,
be still.

today

those five words put a new spring in my step.
"you look pretty in sweats."

desert

the Lord says: cursed is the man who trusts in man
and makes flesh his strength,
whose heart departs from the Lord.
for he shall be like a shrub in the desert,
and shall not see when good comes....

but, blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
and whose hope is the Lord.
for he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,
which spreads out its roots by the river,
and will not fear when heat comes;
but its leaf will be green,
and will not be anxious in the year of drought,
nor will cease from yielding fruit.

the heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately wicked;
who can know it?
i, the Lord, search the heart,
i test the mind,
even to give every man according to his ways,
according to the fruit of his doings.
[jeremiah 17: 5-10]

okay Lord.
speak, i'm listening.

deciding

how is it that one single day plays out the way it does?
waking up, and not wanting to. deciding not to push the snooze button at all, but to get out of bed like i know i should. deciding to pay attention in class at that ungodly hour, working with my hands, folding paper after paper, and drifting off in my mind...deciding what to make for dinner.
the decision to sit on the couch to do my homework rather than at my desk. the decision to close my eyes for just a moment, only to sit up in a panic 2 hours later when i realize i have class in ten minutes.
the decision to bring my laptop to class so that i read online articles and check facebook while a buzz of discussion goes on around me.
later, another decision: to take a drive to america, the land where there is great milk and cheaper clothes. the decision to be distracted perhaps by something else rather than taking the keys out of the car before it was locked. our decision not to panic, but to ask some strangers for help and to laugh (because we're good-natured like that). the decision to pray for a quick solution to our problem rather than think about the very large knife and sketchy looking people surrounding ourselves and our car. the decision to buy the purple shirt instead of the blue one (a little less important a decision perhaps). to spend half an hour on the phone tonight, and to whisper a prayer of thanksgiving for the one on the other end. to decide to throw some clothes in the laundry, knowing it will keep me awake to wait for them.
and now...my decision to blog rather than to finish the assignment due tomorrow.
maybe some of those decisions i'll regret. maybe some will have little impact on anyone, let alone me. i know i'll remember some for a long time, and laugh. but maybe one will make all the difference in the world.
i guess we'll see, eh?

irony

it's funny how...
1) that one thing can throw off my entire evening, my sleep, my morning, and my day. can i get a little perspective here?
2) ten days can fly by. my spring break is but a memory. and what of those lists? check (ish). check. check. and i forgot to add one: RELAX. triple check.
3) the more i read this textbook, the less i pay attention to the words. thoughts are drifting through my head of summer plans and...graduation. i'm scared for my future self and my lack of attention span these days...
4) His mercies really are new every morning. thank God for that.

20/20

it's starting to fit together

prodigal

ezekiel 18: 21-28 goes something like this:
if sinners turn away from their sin, they will live. none of their sins will be remembered, they will be forgiven. it is the desire of God's heart that the wicked turn from wickedness. but what happens when the righteous turn from righteousness? they will suffer the consequences of their sin.
and yet i yell GOD YOU ARE SO UNFAIR!
but is He really? was it not me that left him?
i often act like a child, folding my arms across my chest, lip out, brow furrowed, feet stomping. not fair! not fair! you promised! sometimes it's fun to kick and scream and try to get my own way. after the tantrum is over, there i sit. silly.
can i not see how He loves me? he lets me choose him. and not choose him. it isn't that he isn't speaking to me, it's that i'm not listening. it's not that he doesn't love me, i just don't want to acknowledge it. it's not that he doesn't have a path for me, it's just that i want to go my own way.
and then i remember that being childlike means trusting. i want to come back.
father, you know what you're doing. i'm sorry for thinking you'd forgotten about me. really, you love me.

deuce

sometimes honesty hurts. it just hits right to the heart of things, you know? it definitely brings out those parts of me i don't see very often. i know that what you say is probably true. oh that flinching pride and sensitive heart.
when you are wrong, it makes me bristle and fight back. can i clarify what you're trying to say? apologies and understandings...all part of the learning and growing and loving. but don't worry, honesty is good. it's good.
we have to do this right. and that means trudging through all this muck to get to where we need to be. i'm sure it's worth it.

she walks in beauty

she walks in beauty, like the night

of cloudless climes and starry skies;

and all that's best of dark and bright

meet in her aspect and her eyes:

thus mellow'd to that tender light

which heaven to gaudy day denies.

one shade the more, one ray the less,

had half impair'd the nameless grace

which waves in every raven tress,

or softly lightens o'er her face;

where thoughts serenely sweet express

how pure, how dear their dwelling place.

and on that cheek, and o'er that brow,

so soft, so calm, yet eloquent,

the smiles that win, the tints that glow,

but tell of days in goodness spent,

a mind at peace with all below,

a heart whose love is innocent!

[lord byron]

the jump

mac and cheese with a side of veggies, glass of water, quiet room, creative melodies, and thousands of ideas making laps around my mind. spring break is here, but...where to begin?
i have compiled three lists:

reading to do during reading break
non academic things to do during reading break
groceries

i think i might start with a nap.