20/20

it's starting to fit together

prodigal

ezekiel 18: 21-28 goes something like this:
if sinners turn away from their sin, they will live. none of their sins will be remembered, they will be forgiven. it is the desire of God's heart that the wicked turn from wickedness. but what happens when the righteous turn from righteousness? they will suffer the consequences of their sin.
and yet i yell GOD YOU ARE SO UNFAIR!
but is He really? was it not me that left him?
i often act like a child, folding my arms across my chest, lip out, brow furrowed, feet stomping. not fair! not fair! you promised! sometimes it's fun to kick and scream and try to get my own way. after the tantrum is over, there i sit. silly.
can i not see how He loves me? he lets me choose him. and not choose him. it isn't that he isn't speaking to me, it's that i'm not listening. it's not that he doesn't love me, i just don't want to acknowledge it. it's not that he doesn't have a path for me, it's just that i want to go my own way.
and then i remember that being childlike means trusting. i want to come back.
father, you know what you're doing. i'm sorry for thinking you'd forgotten about me. really, you love me.

deuce

sometimes honesty hurts. it just hits right to the heart of things, you know? it definitely brings out those parts of me i don't see very often. i know that what you say is probably true. oh that flinching pride and sensitive heart.
when you are wrong, it makes me bristle and fight back. can i clarify what you're trying to say? apologies and understandings...all part of the learning and growing and loving. but don't worry, honesty is good. it's good.
we have to do this right. and that means trudging through all this muck to get to where we need to be. i'm sure it's worth it.

she walks in beauty

she walks in beauty, like the night

of cloudless climes and starry skies;

and all that's best of dark and bright

meet in her aspect and her eyes:

thus mellow'd to that tender light

which heaven to gaudy day denies.

one shade the more, one ray the less,

had half impair'd the nameless grace

which waves in every raven tress,

or softly lightens o'er her face;

where thoughts serenely sweet express

how pure, how dear their dwelling place.

and on that cheek, and o'er that brow,

so soft, so calm, yet eloquent,

the smiles that win, the tints that glow,

but tell of days in goodness spent,

a mind at peace with all below,

a heart whose love is innocent!

[lord byron]

the jump

mac and cheese with a side of veggies, glass of water, quiet room, creative melodies, and thousands of ideas making laps around my mind. spring break is here, but...where to begin?
i have compiled three lists:

reading to do during reading break
non academic things to do during reading break
groceries

i think i might start with a nap.